Love in the modern age looks a lot different than it ever has before. With increased student loan debt, economic uncertainty, unemployment, and a dominating “hook-up culture”, the youth of the U.S. are getting married less, and much later in life. In 2019, marriage in the U.S. was at its lowest rate since 1897. Yet, marriage remains an important step in adulthood, often playing a critical role in the subsequent stages of adult life (e.g., creating a family, having kids). Because of this, it is more important than ever for young people to recognize the value of intentional relationships. This can be done by addressing the commitment problem, the age 30 deadline, and how marriage can be a second chance at family.
With the rise of “hook-up culture”, pop-culture often paints the youth as a generation set on avoiding commitment. As a gay man in my 20’s, I can confirm that a lot of guys my age have a similar mindset. They seem to want the benefits of a healthy relationship (e.g., sex, affirmations), but without strings attached. This can be frustrating, but I find relief in knowing that there are still a lot of people who are hopeful in finding romantic love. Author Meg Jay shared that in 2018, 70% of 5000 singles (young adults) wanted to find romantic love. In general psychology, we learned about the power of societal norms (standards of acceptable behavior in a group/culture). With the rise of Tik-tok and globalization, I have noticed that many youth are perceiving that there is a “cool” and acceptable way to live, especially regarding love. Many of my peers have become convinced that they do not want to be tied down, and that they are not allowed to want things like marriage (not as valued as the “freedom” of being single).
When we fall victim to these norms, we lose out on relationships that can show us what good love and commitment look like. We risk approaching what Meg Jay calls “the age 30 deadline”. She explains that many youth are anxious about being alone when they are 30, and that around this time they begin to feel panicked and left behind when it comes to romantic pursuits. I saw this shift happen in real time for my middle sister once she saw that all her close friends were getting married. Even though she was only 23, she felt a great pressure to find a partner as soon as possible, but found it really difficult to meet people. In social psychology, we learned that one of the strongest predictors of attraction and future relationship was proximity (e.g., how spatially close you are to someone). Unlike the rest of her siblings, my middle sister was living at home and doing college online, so she was not in the ideal place to meet someone through proximity. With her newfound drive and desire for a relationship, she decided to take initiative and put herself out there by moving to a new city for graduate school.
What differentiated my middle sister from those who continued to engage with “hook-up culture”, was that she began to see how marriage could be a second chance at family (and that she should take it seriously). Meg Jay states that the modern 20’s present individuals with the freedom to pick their family, and she urges them to take control and own their choices (securing the future that they desire/need). My sister had grown lonely living alone and decided that she wanted to take back her power and create a better future for herself. She was ready for love, and a family of her own. In lifespan development psychology, we learned that living with someone (even sharing the same bed) could have tremendous positive effects for mental and physical wellbeing. With these things in mind, maybe commitment and marriage are not as terrible as they are made out to be. Perhaps there is value in these intentional relationships, as they allow us to transition into adulthood with all the love and support we need to thrive.
Comments